Pre-Race Jitters and Gettin’ Bigger

Tomorrow is my Triathlon!

I have done sprint tri’s before and absolutely have a blast with them… but this one is an Olympic distance tri. Never done that before!

1500 meter SWIM 40 km BIKE and 10 km RUN.

I know I can finish the race….I think the Olympic distance is very doable, however….. Hi! My name is Andrea and I am a super competitive person!! So naturally I would like to do well. But I am just going to go out there tomorrow with no expectations and HAVE FUN!!! Because really… that is what allllll this is about, right? Yes ๐Ÿ™‚

The other thing that makes me a bit more nervous for tomorrow than other races…. and something that I KNEW would be a mental barrier to push through on my Journey To Health… is the weight gain.

I saw my doctor on Thursday and I have gained weight. I didn’t need her to tell me this though… in just a few weeks I already haveย  a skirt and 3 pairs of shorts that are no longer lose fitting and actually a bit snug.

This is the goal, Andrea. This is a Good Thing. I have GOT to get that period back.

Mentally, I am doing Ok handling this… Not as bad as I could be, but maybe not seeing this in the positive light that I should. It is getting difficult to sit down and have more stomach rolls over my waist band. It also isn’t helping that I have taken yesterday and today off of exercise and so am eating with no workout. Still hard for me too…

BUT I have to keep in mind that with this weight comes a beautiful, beautiful STRENGTH. Strength that will be need for all my future endeavors, like a Half Ironman and eventual Ironman.

I have been eating lots. I feel like I eat what any “normal” person would eat… just more of it! I am trying to pay attention if the “more” is because I am still hungry, or if this is still a “binge” thing from the disordered eating. I haven’t quite figured that out yet.

Anyways, Have a Great Weekend everyone!

Weekend plans?

Suggestions for weight gain acceptance?

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20 comments

  1. Weight gain is hard to accept. It’s hard even a year into recovery. You will have good and bad days. Eventually you’ll stop thinking about what you were. The hardest part is not comparing yourself! I’m taking a week off of running/exercise except stretching right now due to itb/ hip pain. It sucks. But I know if I want to run my marathon ths fall its what has to happen!! Keep it up! Venting is the bet medicine

    1. ahh a full week! I am sorry, but that is really smart of you! way to go! I hope it feels better soon… that marathon is calling your name!

      Yes i have found venting to be wonderful haha i just hope you all don’t get too sick of hearing it!!!

      Thanks for the advice and encouragement! I hope it soon becomes “no big deal”…

  2. pickyrunner · · Reply

    The weight gain will give you the energy you need to finish this race and finish STRONG! I know you can do it. I believe you’re going to rock it and that weight gain is all about making you healthy. It’s hard to accept it, no doubt, but once you do, you will be truly happy. Keep doing what you’re doing and it will all get easier!

    1. YES! Thank you this was wonderful… weight gain will make me STRONG. No doubt about it. I will be able to power through my triathlons, my long runs, my marathon, my half- ironman….. weightgain will give me power and strength to do that.

      Whew. Thanks for that little wake up call reminder!! seriously needed that!!!

  3. Here’s what has been helping me lately…no period means my body is not healthy and my bones are more susceptible to breaks, right? Well, if I break a bone that is at a minimum 6 weeks no running at all. Obviously, that’s not the only reason I want to become healthy, but that aspect of it has been helping a lot. It has also been beneficial in acceptance of the dreaded weight gain. You’ll get there. The eating disorder didn’t develop overnight and it will take time to heal. It sounds like you’re doing amazing and will only continue to get stronger and healthier.

    1. Wow that really does help. You are right… the LAST thing I would ever want is to have another stress fracture. And already with osteopenia (beginning of osteoporosis) I am already susceptible. Who cares if I get more cushion around my middle? Right? At least I won’t be breaking my bines and having to sit out from running…. it sounds silly though but it is almost like I want a sign around my neck telling people I am gaining weight out of my own will. I still sometimes see weight gain as a weakness and failure like I convinced myself for the last 2 years…. and I still seem to care so much about what others think.

      That really helps though thanks so much for the idea. I am glad to hear that it is helping you as well!!! Great great advice!
      Have a good Saturday ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Andrea, I had the same problem as you. I lost weight and my period in my freshman year of high school. I was over training and not eating enough. Since I’m nearly 5’10, the doctor wanted me to be at 130-150. Since I was 115, that was crazy for me. Though some of my clothes are now snug because I weigh 134-140, a TON still fit. I’ve gained muscle and strength, so if anything, my body looks better and stronger. Yeah I still have days when I just don’t want to weigh that much or what not because I liked being model thin. Just remember that with the gain comes so much strength. When I was 115 I couldn’t do long runs or lift weights or do much of anything. The amount of things I’ve gained besides weight are enough to keep my going! Just stay positive and remember that you’re doing this for you! What really made me gain weight to get my period back was the thought that one day I might not be able to have kids. That hit me REALLY close to home. The thought of harming my body to the extent that I could miscarry or never even have a child was really insane for me and such an incentive to eat more and accept weight gain. Weight gain is NOT a failure or weakness. Trust me, it’s the hardest but best thing you can do for yourself. I thought others would think I’m fat or gained too much and will notice, but all I’ve gotten are compliments on how the weight gain looks on me! I’m sending such happy thoughts and big hugs your way! You can do it girl! xx

    1. Wow Katherine I cannot thank you enough for this comment…. this was truly wonderful and inspiring to read this morning. You are so so right…. having a family one day is THE most important thing to me. To think that I am risking that all for being thin… well, that is just crazy.

      Hearing you talk about the leap in weight you had to take (20 lbs it sounds like) is what the doc’s are wanting me to do (I am tall too!– 5’11!!) And I am also coming from around the same low weight. I have already put on about 5-10 lbs in the last 2 months… but still have what feels like a long ways to go. But you are SO RIGHT about the strength. That is helping me so much to think about that and to hear YOU affirm that with the weight gain you are stronger, more powerful, able to last longer…. that is music to my ears! I am so so happy for you… and I am sitting here inspired to achieve that too!
      Very interesting about your clothes!– I am surprised that my (while definitely more snug) still fit me since I have put on 10 pounds or so. But you are right in that I am gaining weight with fat AND muscle…

      My dad and friends have told me that I have looked really good lately and that my collar bones are no longer sticking out sooo bad and that my chest is not so boney and stuff…and those types of compliments help.

      Seriously cannot thank you enough for writing this. I will be coming back to look at and read these words you wrote when I hit speed bumps down the road!

      Thank you and have such a wonderful Sunday!!

  5. Weight gain is the hardest part of recovery, but it is essential. I think it is when you stop thinking of it as getting to a number and more getting to where your body finds its set point is when you can let that feeling of stress go. All I can say is, just keep going. Even when you think you are done, or have done enough, or just can’t handle it – keep going. Your health is so worth it.

    1. Yes definitely going to not think about the “amount” or “number” that I have to reach. I am just going to keep on going and think about how my body is going to be so much happier… and after 2+ years of my body being UNhappy… i can’t wait.
      I have to just keep reminding myself of that!!! Thank you so so much for your insight and kind words!! They are more helpful than any part of the recovery process!!

  6. Check out http://www.mybodygallery.com. You can search pictures of real women by height and weight and see what it looks like on someone else. It’s cool to look at because we are always more critical of ourselves than we are of others and it gives you an idea of what you really look like.

    1. oh wow cool website!!! Women really do come in ALL shapes and sizes, don’t we? i have to also remember that runners can look like ANYTHING. Some of small and stocky, other tall and thin, others built/strong…. there is no “right way”. That website really helped me see that too!!!

      thanks for posting the link!! I really appreciate the time you took to send it to me and help me out!! I hope you have a great Sunday!

  7. Do you look at your weight when the doctor weighs you? I’ve found it helpful to get on the scale backwards. You are taking the right approach to your weight gain. I know how hard this stage can be, but you are getting so strong. You think you’re competitive now? Imagine how competitive you’re going to be when you’re super strong and kicking butt all over at races!! You’re doing a great job!! (And you’re going to be awesome at your tri!!)

    1. hahah YA! I like that.. I am going to be so strong and competitive… watch out other runners/triathletes!!!! thank you so much for reminding me of this ๐Ÿ™‚ I really really needed that!!! body weight/fat is ESSENTIAL for muscle building… i don’t know why it is so hard for me to keep that in my head!!!! I have to keep reading your comment i guess to remind myself!!

      No, i do not know my number. I get on the scale backwards which i love… it makes this allll easier!

      Thanks so much for your advice and encouragement!!! seriously helps a ton! Yay for getting stronger!!! Have a great Sunday!

  8. You’re doing so great, I haven’t had an eating disorder so I don’t know the day to day struggles that you must face but just keep it going one day at a time. Keep it up girl!

    1. Aww thank you so much girl!! Other bloggers and comments have been so helpful and I feel so blessed to have the support of you guys!! While these posts obviously show that there are still struggles and downfalls in the recovery process, I can also say that I am MOST DEFINITELY improving. A few months ago I would have even been able to admit to any of this!

      Day to day is a great approach, as does keep the future in mind! I want kids and a family and to be ACTIVE all my life! If i am unhealthy…. I can say bye bye to running in my 40’s, 50’s, etc. That is awful!!!!
      Thanks so much for your kind words! I hope you have a great sunday!!

  9. I think gaining weight became a lot easier for me when I realized two things: in reality, even though I could “feel” it, no one else could actually really see it. The other thing is that one day I woke up and said you know what, who cares? At the end of the day no one cares what I weigh. No one is going home saying I gained weight. In the great big scheme of things, it doesn’t matter to anyone else what I weight (as long as its healthy) and someday when I want children or run marathons and win races or make other great life accomplishments, well, what I weigh isn’t going to matter at all. Just try to remember and put all of that energy into other things that WILL matter… like your athletic abilities, your friendships and families, and make some new goals and put all your energy into those things because those are the things that people go home thinking about.. those are the things that matter. ๐Ÿ™‚ Good luck on your journey!

    1. You said this so wonderfully! Thank you so much for reminding me of all the great things in life that I get to enjoy with a healthy body and mind!! I so often need this reminder…. Thank you for sharing! And you are right, I am so “in tune” with my body I can tell weight gains but really no one else can!!

      And the number doesn’t matter…. no number defines me!!!! I just want to be strong and healthy so i can run forever and ever ๐Ÿ™‚

      Thanks girl!!

      1. Its so true! That is what I did, I just focused on whats more important to me.. a silly number or being a stronger, faster runner! It took a year before I hit a good place weight wise and period wise and all of that… it was hard, but your body knows what is best for it!

  10. […] I was thrilled! I was so worried since I had been having heavy legs…. slow runs… “feeling BIGGER“….but you know what?! Everything that you all and my nutritionist and my doctors have […]

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