I need to Keep on Keepin’ On…

I had a great weekend with my best friends! (Read about it HERE!) They are living the life in Chicago in an AWESOME apartment and have GREAT jobs and are just positively blossoming!!

Here are a few more pictures from the weekend:

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Gettin Silly ๐Ÿ™‚

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After our Friday night Volleyball tournament (we won all 3 games!)

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I am NOT a drinker… but I did try some Run Chata that my friends were raving about!

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How GORGEOUS is this city??

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White Sox’s game with my 3 best friends!!

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Best friends from Milwaukee and Chicago! I am blessed to have them!

While I am please with the (mostly) food/fitness-anxiety-free weekend I was able to have, this past week has had other ups and downs that have bothered and discouraged me:

1. My runs have really been tough. I try not looking at my watch, but even without my GPS I know approximately the pace and distances on my routes and can get a pretty good approximate. I feel heavy and tired. My legs just wont turn over. My stride feels funny.

I am not sure if I am lifting too often or too much weight… or if this is all a side effect from weight gain that I feel SURE I have put on in the last few weeks. Maybe a combination of both.

I have mentioned that I want to start running and training slower.ย  Because of this I wanted to run the Big Ten 10k slower and to help encourage my friend along (which I did and it was awesome!) However, I was actually very disappointed with how heavy and hard the run was for my legs (despite the much much slower pace than I normally run). I just kept thinking… “This should not be hard! Why is this feeling so hard for my legs???

I would love to say it didn’t bother me.. but it most certainly sat in the back of my mind for hours after the race.

2. I am worried how these “bad runs” will effect my Triathlon this coming weekend. I want to do well (obviously). I feel like a few weeks ago… or a few months ago even when I was running lots of half’s and hitting some decent times, I was in better shape. And now, on my quest for “healthy-ness” I feel more out of shape than ever.

3. I have REALLY wanted to check out my body in the mirror. The urge has been overwhelming a few times. But I gave up the scale and mirror last week. I have been eating lots this week (especially this weekend) and I had an absolutely BING FEST last night for dinner. I was pulling my hair out trying not to stare at my body in the mirror, turn sideways, and check out the “damage” done.

My mind was going crazy and I felt like such a failure for the meal. I had a great great salmon casserole that my dad made… then when he and my mom left to go to the Chris Isaak concert, I just went to town. I finished the Costco Organic Tortilla chips, had a bowl of ice cream, 2 apples, 4+ tablespoons of Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter, and some more salmon casserole.

I know that setback’s happen and will continue to happen. This was never going to be an easy journey. Breaking habits and mental barriers that I have so carefully constructed over the years will take more than a few months of acceptance/therapy/help.

I just need to Keep On Keepin’ On and focus on God and the Good things in life.

Why do YOU guys think my runs have been so hard lately??

Have you been to Chicago? What is your favorite City?

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27 comments

  1. I’ve been following your blog recently! Keep up the hard work. I’ve over come an ED and I’ve come out stronger than ever. All over a few short years and while being a nurse!. I’m 27 now and mid way through training for my first marathon. Yoga two to three days a week has been a life saver. Giving me the time to put life into perspective and i find it key injury prevention.. I’ve been there with the exercise, I’ve always been a runner. It sucks, but keep it up it feels so good now to be strong and listen to my body when it wants to rest….I rest !!

    1. Hi Cait! Wow thank you so much for your encouragement and advice… the fact that you have overcome it and feel stronger/healthier/better than before is seriously the greatest thing for me to hear right now. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing with me!!
      I love yoga and wish I did more of it! That is a great alternative crosstraining and stress reliever and mental break! I will look into some local classes!
      I hope you have a great day! Thank you again for the advice and congrats of having overcome Ed ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. pickyrunner · · Reply

    You said it yourself. Keep on keepin on girl! It takes time to heal mentally and physically and that’s probably why you’re feeling lethargic right now! I’m glad you had such an awesome weekend!!

    1. yes i think you are right–the healing process is under way and it is weighing on me mentally and physically! I need to focus on what an awesome weekend I had and on all the great things to come in my life!
      Have a great day Sarah!!

  3. Well I am glad you came over to my blog because I can totally relate to a lot of what are going through – it was a big part of my past. I think your mindset is in the right place, you have to keep on going and not focus on the changes but rather the health you want in your future. You got this!

    1. Thank you so much Alex! You are right… the greatest strength I have to combat my mind when I start to let these “negative” food/fitness thoughts creep in is to focus long term. And in the long term… being overall healthy and ENJOYING LIFE is so much more important than running “fast” that I laugh when i think about it! I just have to keep that focus!
      Thanks for the encouragement… it helps so much! Hope you have a great day ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. I think your slower runs could be a million different factors – but the first thing that comes to mind is over-training. I know for me personally I do a really bad job of taking rest days, and after awhile it catches up with me and I just feel utterly fatigued. Rest is crucial for muscle recovery and repair!! Don’t be discouraged- keep on running- the time doesn’t not matter!!

    1. You are right! Time DOESN’T matter! I want to run because I love to run! I was also talking to my dad and he had a good point… maybe for this fall season (or year entirely) while I am trying to get my healthy/period back on track and thus make some changes to my body, it might be best to ease up on racing and running in general to let my body ENTIRELY heal and recover. Then, I can start again and do things the RIGHT way!

      And yes… rest days are hard! Why are they so hard for runners?!?! haha
      Thanks for the advice! It is SO appreciated ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Sorry to hear that your runs haven’t been going well, but it happens to everyone at one point. I’m willing to guess that your body just needs a break. Try taking a couple of days off or doing some yoga, and I’m sure your next run will be awesome! Also, as I’ve mentioned before, distance runners should not lift heavy weights. Heavy weights will not “bulk you up” because of how lean you are, so you’re just putting yourself at risk for injury (and creating tired, sore muscles!). Glad you had a great weekend!

    1. Very good point about the weights. I think I am finding that… I emailed my nutritionist (who is an Ironman athlete) and she said to defnitely take the week off from weights before my triathlon this weekend and that she and I will come up with a weight routine that might be better suited for distance running!

      I am going to take this week easy on workouts, and I am PRAYING that I can maintain mental stability about eating while working out LESS. i usually struggle with over eating while not running then I have a mental breakdown (yikes!)

      Thanks as ALWAYS for your comments! I really really do take the advice to heart!! So thank you and I hope you have a wonderful day!

      1. Great idea to talk to your nutritionist about it! Runner’s World (dot com) has some great articles and weight routines for distance runners.
        If you ever have any questions or just need to vent about something, feel free to email me anytime!

  6. Amanda · · Reply

    I agree with Elizabeth. I think you are probably over training as well. As runners, we often think that unless we have gone on a substantial run, we haven’t “really” exercised. Especially as runners who have or are recovering from ED. It has always been difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that strength training uses expends a lot of energy and continues to do so throughout the day. It’s hard on your muscles and body, particularly if you are not providing it enough fuel. I know you think you are eating a lot, believe me I have been there, but you’re probably still not giving your body enough, which is resulting in your “binges.” You’ll get there. It takes time. Please don’t be discouraged or hard on yourself. ED is a difficult thing to overcome, but it will make you stronger.

    1. YES!!! Oh my gosh you just said my thoughts PERFECTLY!!! Unless it is a hard/fast/long run… I really DON’T feel like I worked out at all! And same with weight lifting! And then yes… I think I have really increased the food, yet I binge and hate it and just get all confused!
      I am going to try and really rest my body for the next few weeks–and I mean that seriously. I just hope I can keep my head in the game and still eat normally and realize that even if I didn’t workout that day (or the day before) I still need to eat. I hate that I worry it will all just be “wasted food turning to fat” in my body since I didn’t workout… but ED gets into my mind and I just have a hard time trusting that I still need to eat— then of course eat balanced and not binge!

      Ok i just rambled to you (ha sorry!) but you literally just wrote EXACTLY what I have been feeling/thinking!! Thank you for understanding and getting it!
      Your advice is so so appreciated and I will really work hard to implement these training and mental suggestions! Have a great great day… and thank you!

  7. Try not to beat yourself up. Recovery is really difficult and doing it at home on your own makes it all that much harder. It’s crazy how random binging becomes an issue sometimes. I think the only way I got around it is because I was at n inpatient treatment center. Although even after I left I still had some issues with it. I think the problem is that you may think you are eating enough during the day but you actually aren’t and your body is just asking for more food!
    Hang in there- try to have a great week keeping in mind that you want to be strong for the tri this weekend!!

    1. That is exactly what Amanda said. And I think you are both very very right. I feel as though I have really upped my eating… but then random binges where I am just starving and I feel like I eat everything in sight. I think it is because when I think I am eating more, it is pretty nutritionally “worthless” foods.
      Such a great idea to focus on the Tri this weekend and to be “strong and fueled” for it. That really helps…. thank you!

      I love that you totally seem to understand my messed up thought process and know what to say to help reverse what Ed is telling me and making me believe. I cannot thank you enough… It makes me feel so much better when I read yours and others comments… it makes me feel not so alone!!
      I hope you have a great week as well! Thank you for everything!

      1. Happy to help however I can! I’m here for ya girl! ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. I can totally relate to runs feeling harder than usual lately. I’ve been eating more and lifting more, too, and wonder if that’s contributing. The body is a finnicky thing, it is, but you’re right you’ve just go to keep on keepin’ on and eventually it’ll all work itself out! Striking that balance between eating, training and life is all about trail and error. I’m still trying and I’ve made my errors, but I’m learning and just going with it. Just keep moving forward, lovely, and things will just figure themselves out ๐Ÿ™‚ You’re strong, you’re smart, and you’re resilient. You’ll find your sweet spot eventually.

    1. Finnicky is right! I am sure weight lifting and food is a contributing factor… and balance is definitely what me, my nutritionist, my doctor, and my therapist (whew long list!) are all working on. I know I just need to be easier on myself and learn to LOVE myself better and not be so mad if/when I have days or weeks that I have mental, emotional, and physical “fall-downs”.
      Thank you so so much for sharing and for your advice! It helps so much more than these few sentences could say! ๐Ÿ™‚ Have a great night!

      1. Totally! I catch myself all the time being so hard on myself and one thing that always gets me back to reality is when I ask myself “would I ever be this critical of someone else?” and usually the answer is no. I’m so quick to tell others to be strong and resilient, that it’s OKAY. So why not for me? It’s easier said than done, for sure, but I’ve noticed with time and consciously checking myself for it, I’ve learned to just let go and relax. Yoga helps, as other commenters have mentioned ๐Ÿ™‚
        You’re very welcome, girly, you’re doing great!!! ๐Ÿ˜€

      2. Wow what a GREAT way to think about it. You are so right?! I would never be that hard on someone else… I am NEVER that hard/judgmental of others with their bodies and activity… so why should I with me? thank you for this reminder!!
        And I can’t wait to get back to my yoga joint once grad school kicks up again!!

  9. Sometimes my legs get that heavy feeling too…it’s almost always because of lack of sleep or too much lifting/cross training. Take a rest day, shake ’em out, and try again. It’ll pass, you’ll power through, and you’ll feel stronger for it. (I deal with heavy legs at least once a month; I’m surprised more people don’t!)

    As for the food, etc…Good job resisting the urge to look in a mirror! Focus on the good: you had balanced meals, included healthy food, and enjoyed time with friends! You’re continuing to make progress! Keep moving forward!

    1. Thanks so much! And good to hear I am not the only one that seems to get heavy tired legs… I am sure I was just demanding too much from them– I get in these waves of exercising when I just ramp up the weights/running too much and after 2 weeks my body just gives out!
      It was so so hard not to stand in front of the mirror for judgement… but I am glad I did not do it!!
      Thanks so much for the encouragement and belief in me! It means the world ๐Ÿ™‚

  10. Way to be honest girl… keep working…. it DOES get easier/better & you WILL feel stronger/healthier. ๐Ÿ™‚ Big hug!

    1. Thank you thank you!! I need to just keep reminding myself of this— I will feel stronger, more powerful, HAPPIER…. it will all be worth it!!
      Thanks so so much ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. PS, just saw this snippet on the Colbert Report about a book called “Mirror Mirror Off the Wall” about a woman who goes a year without looking at her reflection. I thought you might like it!

    http://www.amazon.com/Mirror-Off-Wall-Learned-ebook/dp/B00A6WOOPE/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1375214204&sr=8-2&keywords=miror+mirror+on+the+wall

    1. OH my goodness THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
      First off, this sounds exactly like a book i need/want to read… i am seriously experiencing this right now. i can’t think of a more relevant book…
      Second of all, words cannot describe how sweet it is that you thought of me and let me know this book was out there! That means so much to me!!

      You have been such a great voice of reason and give hope and advice so freely. Thank you for all of this! I look forward to researching this book further!

  12. […] my run time later in the afternoon… I was thrilled! I was so worried since I had been having heavy legs…. slow runs… “feeling BIGGER“….but you know what?! Everything that […]

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