From the moment my day started, after an awful nights sleep resulting in a 4:45am wake up and followed by a “binge” breakfast that left me completely out of control and freaked out… I have been exhausted.
I took a “nap” at 7am.
Saw a patient with my dad at 8am.
I painted our porch (and did a very poor job) then ate some more just straight up snack-y foods (apples, greek yogurt, pita chips) during a thunderstorm that rolled in out of no where.
Then I took another nap.
I followed it up with athletic swim suit shopping….
… then I did something that was just so “Me” and I couldn’t stop myself.
*SIDE NOTE:::I was supposed to ride this evening with my mom, dad, and other members of CIBA (Central Indiana Bicycling Association) but I was just so worn down that I decided not to workout.*
But after shopping (and buying nothing) I just had to do something. So I decided to go on a recovery run. You guys know I suck at recovery runs. I was determined to do this one right. I kind of succeeded. I did a little over 5 miles at a steady 7.30min/mile pace.
Right when I finished, I was happy to have worked out, but I knew that it was stupid of me to do that. Why can’t I just be OK with taking rest days??? I am so worried I am going to hurt myself, yet I can’t seem to stop! I feel like in order to eat the way I do when I “binge”, I MUST workout. I can’t imagine just having that food sit inside me, unused.
This is exactly the mindset that I want the therapist and nutritionist to help me overcome.
And I am getting more and more afraid that some greater, drastic measures are going to be taken soon if my period/weight/balance/bone-density-test do not meet the “healthy” standards. I am afraid they are going to start limiting my exercise. I am afraid they are going to tell me to stop doing activities….I am afraid they are going to take away my Richmond Marathon in November. I can’t think of a harsher course of action. This truly scares me.
Today and right now I realize I need to keep God as my Focus and my Strength.
Have a good night everyone…. Stay Strong and Beautiful.