Worn Out and Afraid.

From the moment my day started, after an awful nights sleep resulting in a 4:45am wake up and followed by a “binge” breakfast that left me completely out of control and freaked out… I have been exhausted.

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Down right tired… mentally and physically… and fresh from the shower waiting for my spaghetti squash to cook…

I took a “nap” at 7am.

Saw a patient with my dad at 8am.

I painted our porch (and did a very poor job) then ate some more just straight up snack-y foods (apples, greek yogurt, pita chips) during a thunderstorm that rolled in out of no where.

Then I took another nap.

I followed it up with athletic swim suit shopping….

… then I did something that was just so “Me” and I couldn’t stop myself.

*SIDE NOTE:::I was supposed to ride this evening with my mom, dad, and other members of CIBA (Central Indiana Bicycling Association) but I was just so worn down that I decided not to workout.*

But after shopping (and buying nothing) I just had to do something. So I decided to go on a recovery run. You guys know I suck at recovery runs. I was determined to do this one right. I kind of succeeded.ย  I did a little over 5 miles at a steady 7.30min/mile pace.

Right when I finished, I was happy to have worked out, but I knew that it was stupid of me to do that. Why can’t I just be OK with taking rest days??? I am so worried I am going to hurt myself, yet I can’t seem to stop! I feel like in order to eat the way I do when I “binge”, I MUST workout. I can’t imagine just having that food sit inside me, unused.

This is exactly the mindset that I want the therapist and nutritionist to help me overcome.

And I am getting more and more afraid that some greater, drastic measures are going to be taken soon if my period/weight/balance/bone-density-test do not meet the “healthy” standards. I am afraid they are going to start limiting my exercise. I am afraid they are going to tell me to stop doing activities….I am afraid they are going to take away my Richmond Marathon in November. I can’t think of a harsher course of action. This truly scares me.

Today and right now I realize I need to keep God as my Focus and my Strength.

Have a good night everyone…. Stay Strong and Beautiful.

 

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17 comments

  1. pickyrunner · · Reply

    I hate to say it girl but they very well might do just that. My doctors took away exercise completely for months. And honestly it’s one of the best things that they could have done. That’s not to say I didn’t deliberately make up ways to exercise, but it feels with the mindset. I think running helpe me recover but the only way I was able to stop the binging was to force myself to be okay with it in my stomach without exercise. I STILL struggle with that. I’m here if you want to vent, as always xoxo

    1. Ahh Sarah!! I am sorry they did that but it sounds like it was really what stuck with you and made a difference. I hope it doesn’t come to that with me… but I guess if it does, I will think of it as a Challenge and face it head on.
      THANK YOU for letting me vent ๐Ÿ™‚ seriously gotta do that every know and then, right?!

  2. yogachic1212 · · Reply

    I’m so so sorry you’re going through this hon ๐Ÿ˜ฆ My doctors have done the same thing, and, like Sarah said, I’m so grateful they did because I wouldn’t have gotten through the binges, the constant counting, the constant THOUGHTS if they hadn’t. It’s really hard to learn to sit with the food in your stomach and NOT exercise to “manage” it, but it’s the only way to heal the feeling ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I promise you, nothing bad will happen to you when you sit with it! Of course, I wouldn’t have believed me if I were in the mindset I was earlier in the year, and honestly, who could blame ya without physical and firm proof? This is where trust comes in, and it’s such an important lesson to learn; to not only trust your doctors, your therapists, the people that love you, but also trust YOURSELF and YOUR BODY. This will get better because you WANT it to get better. Email me if you’d like to talk! Xo

    1. oh gosh… thank you i needed to hear that. nothing bad will happen if food sits without being worked out immediately.
      I just hate how down on myself I get.
      I trust my nutritionist. I do. I love her. you are right… gotta trust her to know whats best. I have to just keep trying to follow her instructions…..

      As far as trusting myself, well so far I have no confidence in me being OK with looking different, workingout differently, eating more… different number on the scale….. oh gosh all those sounds terrifying .

  3. Hey girl hey! Do you feel like you’re making working out an idol?
    As a former D1 runner I felt weird when I stopped competing. So I started running and shedding pounds. As soon as I realized that ,I had to stop because I was getting skinnier and that was not my intention. (this occurred after 2 weeks, my body was used to the “free food” we got from the university that was equivalent to our output.. I was not eating as much at home because I was not competing, lifting and doing crazy workouts) It is good to eat!
    A former associate of mine realized that he made working out an idol. So he would take a week off and dedicate it to prayer to keep his self on track .. ( I can’t really explain why I shared the previous 2 stories but I know that you will understand)
    But remember that you are trying to be healthy. Push yourself to treat yourself right. I know it is hard but you have all of us as supporters. Your “period/weight/balance/bone-density-test and way more important than your workouts.
    Push yourself to get your “period/weight/balance/bone-density-test” up to par then workout like you wanna! ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. I really like the way you said this… I LOVE challenges and pushing myself. I just need to treat “this” as another challenge that I want to do my best at and give it my all. I need to accept that I will look different and have “more to me”. I worry about how people view me, like “OH she used to be a thin runner and now she has put on lots of weight… hmm.. guess she isn’t as serious about workingout and stuff now”
      Ugh I hate that I think that… and YES this is totally effecting my relationship with Christ. I told myself that that would be the #1 thing I would work on during this process (getting healthy and not making food/fitness define me, but having Christ define me) and I am failing miserably.
      All my journal enteries are about food and workingout!!! ughh!!!

      I need to pray pray pray and remember He who matters…

      1. http://daughterbydesign.wordpress.com/2013/07/10/not-good-enough/

        I was reading this and I thought about God’s timing..how relevant is this? ๐Ÿ™‚

      2. oh my gosh thank you for the link!! i am obsessed. How wonderful… that was so relevant I want to print that out and read it every morning and every night..

      3. ๐Ÿ™‚ yay! You’re welcome .

  4. […] you SO MUCH for everyone’s help in calming me down and supporting me yesterday as I had some tough mental battles… I appreciate it and you guys more than I can […]

  5. A few months back, maybe late last year, I was in a really bad place with rest days. They sent me into a crazy spiral. I had a short temper on rest days and it was so easy to set me off. I found the more I practiced rest days (and the more I scheduled them AHEAD of time), the better I could deal with them. I know how hard it is to struggle with disordered eating and exercise habits that can be detrimental. Remember that working through it takes time, it’s not going to become perfect all at once, but if you dedicate yourself to making progress, you’ll make it. Just like with running, you have to realize recovery is a small-step-at-a-time business. Your mind might want you to give up, but you are stronger than your mind.

    1. I defnititely should schedule them in ahead of time and know that they are coming up. I have to “mentally prepare” more for those days than running days I feel!! I just hate that now that I am back to eating lots of things and get out of control on snacking/meals/etc, the idea of not working out with these poor eating habits just seems so difficult.

      it sounds so so vain (and i hate that) but I am just so concerned with how I am going to look (even though I don’t like the way I look now either!!)

      My nutritionist keeps reminding me that this is a slow process. That I am trying to change years of thinking and acting and it will take time…

  6. Hang in there sweetie! This really is a rough time right now…Be honest with your therapist about these fears. And, keep that marathon as a goal…you need to take care of your body to be able to do it. Try to keep it in mind through your day and the decisions you make. You DO NOT want that to be taken away from you, so do everything you can to keep moving forward. Today is a new day!!

    1. You are right. Looking long term– like a marathon and eventually a half ironman– seems to help a bit (not to mention having kids one day…). I need to be strong and powerful for those events.
      I just need to STOP CARING what people are going to think when I put on 10-20 extra
      pounds. I wish I could say I didn’t care… but I totally do.

      and you are right… the beauty of life is that each day I get to start again!!! Thanks so much ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. […] last few day of super down-in-the-dumps posts (Here and Here) are just not the usual me!! I am a happy, silly, kind, ambitious, strong-headed, […]

  8. […] half’s and hitting some decent times, I was in better shape. And now, on my quest for “healthy-ness” I feel more out of shape than […]

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