Glorious Pain & Food “Weakness”

Since coming home from school for the summer over 2 weeks ago, I lost my amazing, HUGE gym with every exercise equipment a girl could dream of. My normal routine of strength training ever morning at 6am just stopped completely. Well, I am happy to announce I am once again a gym member! Carmel Total Fitness is about 2 miles from my house, and since my mom is a member, I get to “tag-on” for the summer for only 25$/mo.ย  This includes ALL their fitness classes– yoga, pilates, strength training, spinning, boot camp, fusion, kickboxing, etc. So pumped!

So Sunday I decided to get my Lift on. It had a been a while and it felt great to be doing power cleans, front squats, bench press, push-press and split jerk again. I even got my new split jerk mas at 90#!ย I was pleased ๐Ÿ™‚

Well, to say that I could barely raise my arms up yesterday (and it is even worse this morning) would be an understatement. Every single movement hurts! Of course it is that amazing hurt that athletes live for… muscles aching and yelling at you while you have this happy grin on your face because youย know it is really just a cry of strength. They are repairing themselves and getting stronger with every passing day. What a great feeling. The human body is amazing.

So many of you know about my struggle with food for the past few years. Fast recap (and I mean FAST)– I lost a lot of weight my junior year of undergrad while I was abroad in New Zealand. I re-discovered my love for running and basically became a workout-aholic and had a list the size of Texas of foods that I no longer ate because they were “bad” for me. I deprived myself of basically anything/everything and kept losing. Only recently have I really started to vocalize that I have a problem and introduce food back into my life.ย  Every day is a struggle and I feel like I am being watched all the time… but I can also say the improvement in my attitude toward food has improved tremendously! I am enjoying life again…

I mentioned that I had stopped weighing myself.ย  I was living and breathing by that hateful little scale number. i would weight myself 2-3 times a day. I stopped for about 2 months, around the time that I made the decisions that to be healthy in the long run (aka kids) I needed to get my period back.ย  This needed to be from weight gain. Well, I resisted the urge to weight myself, but I have fallen back into it.ย  My last day at Indiana University I, jumped on the scale. Then I came home and thought, “Well, I already broke my no-weighing pledge, might as well weigh myself again”. So I did. Then at Red Mountain Resort in Utah, I weighed myself all the time. Now at home, the scale hiding under my bed is being pulled out more and more often. I am so frustrated at myself and feel like a failure. I am disappointed in myself… and that is the worst feeling.

The number is rising. It is hard to see. But that was the goal… right?!?! Why can’t I understand this?!?

I also find that because I am “letting” myself eat foods that for over 2 years I had denied myself, I am in a new phase which Sarah at Picky Runner so accurately described in her post todayyou eat everything you once didn’t, and you eat until it is gone or you are too sick to move. There is NO CONTROL. This phase scares me so much right now…

I can say the number one help is the encouragement and the advice from others in the blogging world who have unfortunately are/have gone through similar trials.ย  Just a few months ago before starting this blog I felt all alone in this fight… scared to say anything out loud… and now I have discovered other who have conquered the power that food has had over them.ย  I am full of hope ๐Ÿ™‚

What is on the agenda today? Any workouts?

When was the last time you were WONDERFULlY SORE from a workout?

Summer races? Who’s got a good one for me to do in the Midwest?

 

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15 comments

  1. pickyrunner · · Reply

    You WILL get through this phase! It’s taking a lot of time for me but I’m finally in a place where I can put a bag of cheez its next to me and only finish half of it, not the whole thing ๐Ÿ˜‰ Hey, baby steps! But the point is, it’s the first time I haven’t said to myself “no, you can’t have that” and it’s the first time in years I’m regaining that control. Weird that it appeared 3 years after my initial struggle, but I guess that’s how long the process is of letting go. I hope you’re able to do the same- you just have to let yourself go and take that leap of faith. Here for you,girl!

    1. Thank you so much Sarah that means the world to me! You are right… it is a Leap of Faith. Seriously, thank you for being so open with all of us here in “cyber-world” because you are helping people like mee!!!! From the start you reached out for me and it has made a HUGE difference!

      I KNOW I can do this. I am taking this on like I would a running challenge… and I NEVER back down from a challenge!!

  2. I don’t even know you or where you are coming from (personally), but I am proud of you for making this transition!! You can do this! It sounds like you have a GREAT support system!

    I’m sore today because I did my first weights class yesterday! I loved it..except I was the sweatiest person in the room. That always seems to happen though. I was exhausted this morning when I woke up because I didn’t sleep well last night, so I’m hoping to get a short run in later this afternoon.

    1. yay for a good sweat fest!! haha way to be productive already today though ๐Ÿ™‚ keep it up!!

  3. megbek · · Reply

    You know, I think it’s tremendous that you and Sara over at Picky Runner discuss these kinds of things because all it can do is spread knowledge, power, encouragement and hope. I believe you can get through this phase and find a happy medium in things. Everyday won’t be great and wonderful, but everyday you’re one step closer to accomplishing your goal. You’re an amazing athlete, one with incredible race times at that, and your body deserves the proper fuel to match that serious inner Olympian of yours! You’ve got this girl, along with tons of support! โค

    1. Wow thank you so so much! I just love how supportive everyone has been! Following your blog and being aware of other athletes lifestyles has helped me so so much… And you are right in FUELING my body to perform where I want it to!!

      Thanks for the kind words that you (always) give! And your pic’s on instagram rock ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. New to your blog- love the title- I am a reformed night owl who lives to run with the sunrise!!
    Your honesty is the first step to change– it’s so, so tough. I lived my entire life over-weight, but with a fairly healthy relationship with food. Now, as I have lost weight and am close to goal, I suddenly have developed the worst relationship with food ever- hello bingeing! One thing that has helped me tremendously – I shared my bingeing struggle with a friend and now we text each other daily for accountability and sometimes call each other; “HELP ME I’M ABOUT TO DEMOLISH AN ENTIRE CARROT CAKE!!!” Baby steps, baby steps– we stay strong!!
    Keep your chin up- you are a fighter and you’ve got this!

    1. Yay for morning people!! haha there is just something special about the morning time and running! Welcome to the early world!
      Wow thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story. It is so strange how quickly our relationship with food can change. It is the definition of a love/hate relationship. And whether it is love or hate, when it is all you think about it, it is NOT mentally healthy.
      That is so great you have a friend to talk to! I just recently confided in a friend and that has really made this “real” for me and I am taking my health more serious now (like getting my period back).

      Baby steps and each day is a learning experience!!

      Thank you thank you for your encouragement! And I am here to encourage YOU and provide support/advice at all times as well! STRENGTH in numbers! We are not alone! You are a rockstar!!

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  8. katelincarter · · Reply

    I just stumbled across your blog in a google search on running workouts and slowly got sucked in and read through all of your posts (sorry, not stalking:) I completely understand the scale and believe that one day you will be able to know that a number means nothing and its all about being healthy. It’s a road where you feel like a failure a lot of the time but the best advice my counselors gave me was the fact that I was saying my struggle out loud or writing about it was even progress from keeping it bottled inside! Small steps ๐Ÿ™‚ thankful for a God who still loves us no matter how crazy our thoughts can get about food! Hang In there! It’s a beautiful day when you start to maintain that healthy relationship with food again and I know you can do that!

    1. I am so glad you ran into my blog!! Thank you so much for taking the time to write such kind things… I have definitely found that writing it down has been the biggest step I have taken thus far. The blogging community has been extraordinary. I have found more connection and support than I ever thought. I am very excited/hopeful to see my nutritionist and I have made the decision to see a therapist as well.

      I know God has been with me and loves me through this whole process and It is HIm who have put these resources here for me to use!

      Thank you so much for commenting! I love receiving advice and being reminded that I am not alone in this!

      Have a great great day Katelin!! ๐Ÿ™‚

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